


A Fox, a Wolf, and a Duck Walk into a Haunted House

by A_Lucy_Goose



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: F/M, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Multi, Other, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 10:53:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2544944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Lucy_Goose/pseuds/A_Lucy_Goose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If nothing else, Spy's dear lovers are always good for a laugh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fox, a Wolf, and a Duck Walk into a Haunted House

“You’re not actually scared are ya?”

Spy smirked but he didn’t say anything. Not that he needed to; the look Pyro was giving the other man in their company was answer enough.

Pyro’s mismatched eyes narrowed dangerously. It certainly didn’t help that their eyes were the only visible part of the shorter mercenary’s body, framed as they were by a low worn knit cap and the winding scarf that covered bottom half of their face.

It was amusing to Spy that of all the other members of RED the Pyro was the only one among them that held the distinct honor of being more mysterious than he was. It was a point of pride for him that he had been one of the first two to actually see what was underneath the mask. The other person to hold such an honor seemed nonplused by the look he was getting however.

“I’m not...” Pyro’s words were slightly muffled of course but thankfully understandable.

It had taken some convincing and nearly all his charm, not to mention patience, but he had been able to convince the youngest of his lovers to forgo their usual uniform for the occasion. It was not yet Halloween and it wouldn’t do to frighten the children of Teufort quite so soon. Especially since the mercenaries of RED didn’t have the best track record when it came to the holidays and the people of this town.

Despite the rather temperate autumn night, neither he nor the Sniper had been able to convince Pyro not to attempt to cover their self from head to toe in seemingly every piece of winter outwear they owned however.

After having had some rather embarrassing instances of his own in the past, Spy was very interested in just how their little firebug managed to never pass out from heat stroke in that suit of theirs. It was something he vowed to uncover someday one way or another.

Pyro continued, “It’s just…”

“Say no more mon petite canard. I believe I understand exactly what you mean.” The Spy’s distasteful sneer was audible.

The haunted house attraction that Sniper had been trying to get them to visit since they had set foot on the carnival grounds was hardly a house. Hardly even a shed really. Spy would be hard pressed to even refer to it as a structure of any discernable kind. The only fear he might have had nothing to do with what horrors he may find inside but that the ramshackle construct would collapse upon them as soon as they entered.

“Not you too, Spook,” Sniper said barking with laughter that roughened his already graveled tone even more. “What’s there to be afraid of? A few underpaid kids in some cheap costumes?”

“I don’t think you’re helping your case to get us in there any, Mickey.” Pyro pointed out helpfully. Their eyes were crinkled nearly shut with the wide grin hidden just there underneath the thick scarf. 

“Where’s your sense of adventure, love?” Sniper smirked back, “Not that it’ll be much of one but at the very least maybe we can scare some of these little brats an’…”

“Really?” Spy tone was clearly disinterested in the prospect even if one of the little ones in question had almost knocked the cigarette he’d been in the process of lighting out of his hand as they ran past.

“Well you two are no fun,” Sniper’s long face slipped seamlessly into an exaggerated frown. It was almost a pout but neither of them would hear the end of it if they pointed that out.

“Eh,” Pyro shrugged. “I’m just here for the food.”

“Aw c’mon you two. It’s the whole point of the carnival. We can’t come all this way and not go through the haunted house at least once!”

“Merde. He will not stop pouting until we give in you know,” Spy said with a dramatic roll of his eyes.

Pyro’s groan was clear despite the fabric obstructing it. “Fine. But you both owe me.”

“Merci. I will make it up to you later. We both will,” Spy crooned as he leaned in with a sly grin practically dripping with promise. Pyro feigned begrudgingly taking his offered arm. “Now come, ma petite luciole. Let us get this over with quickly.”

“’Ey, Spy! How come you never give me cutesy little nicknames like that?” Sniper asked. His grin had returned a little too easily. He draped his rangy arms around them both as they made their way toward the haunted house’s entrance. 

“It is because you are not nearly as cute or little, mon cher,” he chuckled and patted a gloved hand against the similarly covered one wrapped around his arm as he tilted his head slightly in Pyro’s direction.

“Well, can’t argue with that can I?” Sniper conceded easily.

“Welcome to Teufort’s Fear Factory.” Pyro muttered through the reading of the surprising correctly spelled sign at the entrance.

“Ergh.’Ow original.”

“No worries. If it’s gets too scary in there I’ll protect ya!”

“Please.” Despite Sniper’s very generous offer, it was still Spy that led the way into the carnival ‘centerpiece’ attraction. With Pyro toddling along right behind him, this left Sniper to take up the rear.

The interior was about as generic as he had expected. Cheaply constructed décor, ‘actors’ so bored not even their masks could hide it. It was lackluster at best. Crude and childish at worst. Nonetheless, he supposed it was to be expected. Halloween wasn’t not exactly a holiday focused on adults as much as his Monsieur Mundy seemed to enjoy it.

“Maybe we shoulda come earlier.” The man in question grumbled, “The late night crew’s looking a little… AH!”

“Motherfu…” Pyro seemed to have been startled only because Sniper had been and they voiced their displeasure with an annoyed grumble, shoving back the lanky merc in retaliation. “That’s not fucking funny, Mick.”

“Wot! I… Something grabbed my arm an’…” 

“Seriously,” Spy was unamused and thoroughly unimpressed. Perhaps he could do something to truly liven things up a bit. His sly grin was back. Since he was in the lead he took the opportunity to make a bit of a detour guiding his lovers away from the rest of the patrons. At this point they weren’t even still in the haphazardly built “fear factory” anymore but now in the building it had been built onto. Which turned out to be the remains of an actual factory. Now this would do nicely.

“Ah, I see.” Spy murmured, the fox like grin grew even wider on his half concealed face.

“Wot?” The Sniper was a little further ahead now inspecting a long ago rusted out cobwebbed covered conveyor belt.

“I had almost forgotten,” Spy said as he slinked over to the taller mercenary’s side. “Though it would figure that a town full of morons would be so disrespectful of the dead.”

“Dead? What dead? What the hell are you going on about?”

“This factory was once the site of a rather unspeakable tragedy.”

If the dark brow that had disappeared underneath the brim of his hat was any indication, the Sniper’s interest was piqued. That or his bullshit meter was going off.

“Oh yeah,” Pyro chirped. “I read about that. The Teufort Boot Factory Massacre of ’42.”

“See? You really should take the time to learn the history behinds these sort of things, Monsieur Mundy. It is very fascinating.”

“A bloody boot massacre? You two trying to pull my leg?”

“Non. Of course not. Why would I joke about something so monstrous? I just find it intriguing that the morons behind that atrocity out there seem so blasé about it all. Especially after so many women and children lost their lives,” Spy continued on confidently using his ever present cigarette as a makeshift pointer. 

“Women and children?” Mr. Mundy’s nose crunched up in disgust.

“It was there.” Spy continued drawing Sniper’s attention to a set of offices further back. “That the calamity occurred. A masked gunman, a disgruntled former employee, entered the factory during the company’s annual Halloween party. So many factory workers and their families…” The rogue sighed dramatically, “He gathered them in the offices…”

Sniper’s face has gone a bit ashen at that, “An’ then?”

“He slaughtered each and every one!” Right on queue Pyro jumped out from behind the conveyer belt the two of them had been leaning against. A gruesome Halloween mask they’d been waiting for the right time to scare someone with covering their face.

In all honesty, they hadn’t expected to scare someone like the Sniper but it was just too good an opportunity to pass up. But, oh how wrong they had been.

Luckily for Spy, the Sniper’s long legs had gotten him well out of ear shot long before he lost the razor thin grip he’d been able to keep on his laughter. “Oh mon dieu! That was just too easy!” The rouge was barely able to remain upright doubled over in a fit of undignified giggles. “Beautifully done, mon petite libellule.”

Pyro pulled the mask off, blinking in surprise before giving the mask another look. They just shrugged, “Man, does he need to lay off the weed.” 

When they found him, loitering in the far outskirts of the carnival away from pretty much everyone one else, he was trying to look nonchalant as he leaned against a wooden fence. A shaky hand that nearly missed bringing a half-finished cigarette to his mouth was as dead giveaway however and Spy had not been able to contain his smug grin.

“There he is, mon cher! Notre brave loup! Our protector! I told you he could not have gotten far.” Spy swung his long arms wide, trying to draw as much attention to their cowering lover as possible. “It is good that I have a way with homicidal maniacs no? Or else we may not have survived without our dear Huntsman to protect us from harm.”

“Ah, shut up you!” Though his face was flushed with embarrassment Sniper couldn’t keep the chagrinned smile from forming. He had actually made quite an arse of himself back there hadn’t he? “That was a bloody dirty trick you two pulled on me.”

“And to think we didn’t even have to plan it,” Spy snorted. “You are just too easy, ma amour.”

“I think you forgot something, Cinderelly,” Pyro said teasingly as they waddled forward, finally catching up. Their eyes were crinkled again as they handed over the Sniper’s missing boot.

“Huh. Wondered where that had gotten off to. Thanks Junibug!” Sniper hesitant grin had turned beaming.

“How in ze hell did you…” Spy may or may not have fallen into another fit of laughter at this point one that quickly deteriorated into him doing more snorting than laughing really all at his gangly paramour’s expense. Sniper to his credit took it with as much grace as he could under the circumstances.

Spy sighed and shook his head in disbelief, “Mon Dieu! You were literally scared out of your boot! Oh ma cherie, you are truly a joy to know.” He smiled at his two lovers fondly as he wiped tears from his watering eyes. He was still chuckling a little to himself but let go of any further comments as he walked over to help Pyro keep Sniper upright long enough to get his boot back on. 

“There,” he said one it was done and he replaced the Sniper’s previously lost hat on his head but not before stealing a quick kiss. “Good as new.”

“Aw, I knew you two really liked me.” Mick was still grinning, the blush on his cheeks having gotten darker even in the dim lighting.

“Yeah. Yeah. But can we eat now? I’m starving,” Pyro’s one track mind was back in gear it seemed.

“Oh yeah! Ya know I saw a stand that actually serves these little balls of thanksgiving stuffing with turkey on the inside. They fry ‘em up and serve ‘em on these little skewers and everythin’.”

“Oh I heard about those,” Pyro piped in. “They even give you cranberry sauce to dip them in. Oh and the same place has these little pumpkin pie popper thingies.”

“Fancy,” Sniper said and adjusted his hat. 

Spy was sometimes still amazed by the things that his lovers considered to be fine dining but he was learning to be more flexible when it came to their wants. They were a bit of a mismatched trio but somehow they made it work and he’d yet to regret a moment of it.

Although by the sound of it, his waist line may by the time the night was over with.

“Well, let us be off then, mes chéris.” He said and placed a hand on the small of both their backs to steer them back toward the lights and noise of the carnival. “Our arteries will not clog themselves.”


End file.
